Sometimes, or rather all the time, I look in the mirror and ponder. If I am less than average, then how about the rest of the general population. Not to sing praises; I know I may not be at all slim or well endowed, but definitely not ugly. (I used to think I was decently pretty until there was a rude awakening to the truth that I was not.)

But then other times, or rather all the time, I look in the mirror and I feel and am convinced I am the ugliest excrement one would ever pass by

Unnecessary ramblings of the self absorbed insanity plagued sane, which needed to be penned down.

Just a little (big and ugly actually) ball of flesh dripping saline water in need of christmas and sashimi (An unfailing amounts of gin filled embrace too). 😧

The saddest yet mini-ly happy dream.

1st half part mimicked those instances that happened (and sorely still want) the second part was going back to and accidentally meeting the fam and awkward moments which the subject soothed though sweetly.

😔 trying very hard to be cryptic. Hai

Well, I am fully aware that I am a horrifying excuse of a human being. Maybe nothing close to a human being in fact. Its depressing really. The fact that I'm halfass-ing practically everything in my little facade of a an existence, and then proceed to fade away in a corner from self disgust where no one will see.

Wasting this self inflicted mundane mandatory time away till saateen welcomes me most probably. Till then, those little invisible strings that pull the corners of my lips remains steel. Plus little furry babies I adore are just to die for and make it that much easier.

I wish you read this, though you most probably think I'm a disease. <3 .="" 3="" br="">

The worst part is that I may have lost a friend.

Though some people might say the worst part is the fact I think the worst part is that I may have  lost a friend and not more pressing issues.

"I didn't raise you to hurt people". basically telling me to stay and work on it and "this is how it should be". "you became one and you have to stay a one" that "just look forward to the house and my rabbits" and "other people have it worse".

I pretty much just rained buckets and said goodbye to my bloodchambers. coming from them, I was just sad.

when you're told to make do like you always have been told to many times before.

When your insides feel like a blender on spritz mode and someone out there just randomly going at it with those buttons.  Lets see what happens  when the blender goes haywire, maybe trips to see milkmaid in ny or get lost in the land of kilts.

Or maybe I'll just sit here status quo and think about all the mandatory life quests to be shoved down my throat. Situation befits a primed goose bred and nailed down in a cage only to be cut apart and harvested for my fatty liver.


Woo I'm a goose, silly goose indeed.



iml,eianstmh.

ready for the lifetime I am not

when there's only so much

you facade your way through 

with smiles and winks as such 

while praying they turn true

When there is too much word vomit on the urge to spill out from every pore possible on my body, but you keep any opening shut. Basically start to disintegrate from the inside out. Just when one kerfuffle of the mind sorts itself out.

Just tell me I was a silly little girl and will forever be. That I am a drop in the ocean.

I have to be my own knight in shining armor don't I, but somehow I lack the capability to do so most of the time. I shall try but for now I will sit here and cry to myself out of pity for a little while. (maybe a little longer than a while though)

horror movie marathon all bundled up would be good for my mental everything now. pleaseprovidethankyou

hide under the covers and die from the colour blue and internal head bleeding most prob

skipping merrily to hell. I imagine when I say hello he will go "it's pronounced sa-teen."

Let others lead small lives, but not you. Let others argue over small things, but not you. Let others cry over small hurts, but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else's hands, but not you.- Jim Rohn

In essence I am everything opposite, swimming in mediocrity of my own. Pretty much hard to move on from my self pity, not be petty and very much freaking-ly stuck in the same cycle over and over again.

Sometimes when your stuck in a situation that seems you can never get out off, all we can do is bitch and bitch till the cows come home. Then you never get pass that. Growing into a old mediocre lady who has never done anything with her life.

Sometimes, well actually most of the time, including my best of times. I feel like a thirsty vampire who thrives on compliments. Utterly childishly disgusting I admit, but yes a compliment thirsty ravaging vampire.

Its sad actually that even though I know I'm relatively good looking (bashful aren't I), OR at least I think I am OR my mirror is severely addicted to some form of looking glass mushroom and gives me warped pretty reflections of myself .

In any case it's depressing to think that I feel ugly and horrid looking when I know at least I'm not anywhere close to those two words. But on certain occasions (plentiful occasions in fact) I look into the mirror and I feel awful to the point of bawling like a child

I know, ungrateful child this one. It can't be helped at the moment. No judge, I can be my own judge, jury and executioner. Thus I'm ready for my self obsessed execution.

day 2 of needing a fluffy pillowslashperson. Please and thank you. I think one month of this horrid feeling shall follow.

I need to find a fluffy pillow or a fluffy person (whom I shall duct tape his/her mouth and request to hug me back appropriately) and cry for the next few hours or so. Application and resumes accepted to who ever comes across this post. (Which means I will have none whatsoever)


Time calls for quotes on Tom Riddle. "Who Must Not Be Named did great things – terrible, yes, but great" 

Maybe not that great for this case though.

You know oh so well when dejavu happens and kites fly. Thankfully I guess I'm not that kerfuffled as I was in the 1st act of the dejavu.

oh Wells

Sadly there's no such thing when someone is too busy to reply or to meet. Just how much you are considered/ pioritised by the person in question.

I guess I'm pretty low on the "considered" ladder

I wonder and ponder.

Nothing much comes from wondering and pondering, but yet that is as much as I can emotionally and physically afford to do for ever and ever. Sad is it not, that actions cannot be willed for situations like these.

Right this very moment all I want is Christmas (tree lights, decorations with all the trimmings) , a vase full of deep purple thistles accompanied with blueish round eucalyptus bunches, a pot of white vanilla tea, a book to shove my face in and a pile of the softest pillows man has ever created.

Yes I know I'm asking for too much. But it doesn't seem much actually.

Minimally, I guess I'd settle for the book and a quiet cozy couched cafe.

At times it is better to just sew up our mouths or be dumb to the question people pose. that is what I have learnt.

Unfortunately I do not truly learn from my own lessons sometimes.

"Name three things you are good at."

playing dumb and didn't say anything, thinking about the horrible comebacks one might hear that will make me upset. But as the night went on I honestly wanted to answer.

"Remember the three things I'm good at..."
before I could continue,

"Good at eating"

yes bite my cheeks and start to well up and learned that once again it is good just to shut my mouth most of times.

mind you I'm not allowed to be upset as apparently there is nothing wrong with that statement. soyes,notupsetthankyou.

Normal work day = partially body willed micro snoozes coupled with sleep-writing. Self amusement from looking at sleep-written words/symbols/numbers thereafter. Not forgetting standingtoavoidsleeping fails.

Packing to do soon =}

To be told that you're truly fat, not gorgeous anymore and not even of above average looks anymore. Making me feel ugly, utterly disgusting and making me accept the fact that this is plainly just the truth an there is nothing wrong about stating the truth.

And the next morning ask why am still I pulling a long face.
Enlighten me to what should my face be warped into.

Burning holes in my pockets.

My parents burnt holes in theirs my entire life, now it my turn to burn my pockets once in awhile. A happy burn.

Nonetheless I feel damn poor now, I'd say no spending no more, but I would be kidding myself. <3 p="">

When the fractures still remain from the grievances of family onto you is the worse. Well not grievances, maybe just willingly done actions which make me want to hide in the corner and just bawl and scratch my gelatinous soul seeing parts.

I'm grateful that whenever I have felt at my worst (not that I'm incredible desolate or trapped in a face melting situation, just a personal worthy "worst"), darlings of the universe appear and make me feel just a notch better. Darlings being just one or two people.

Airways of mad xoxo and misses. Eventhough that was what propelled minor fractures of the invisible kind in the first place.

Hierarchy of reaction to negative actions VS. 'proximity of people'. The closer the proximity to the person or persons the higher the reaction to negative actions. Simply put it, if I am not close to you practically anything or even everything you do would be a rats ass (equivalent to being utterly invisible). However if you are loved or cared for in any way possible, being on the serving/receiving end end a negative action, be it tineetiny or of mammoth proportions, would be worldly upsetting.  (being my world and not literally of the worldly sense.)

Time to draw life graphs for documentation purposes.

When will I ever write a book, I wonder.

In times like this you need a stuffed toy best friend, that you could hug and wail into as if you were grieving. Though I'm not. Well maybe just grieving for the minor invisible fractures that inflicts dull prodding coupled with sadness.

Times where I have to sit in the ladies, attempt to be invisible, attempt to super glue the tiny fractures before those tiny gap widen. Industrial glue might be better come to think of it.

So yes, while I sit on the porcelain throne hiding from the sounds of work, (but now i have sounds of flowing water, but at least I don't need to interact with anyone) I have internal dialogs to sort my brain out.

Side note, my brain is always on auto dialog, I/she never stop/s jabbering. Even when I need total silence, it's becoming increasingly difficult to sew her mouth up.

Deteriorating on the inside. music is temporary solace.

When you're about to do a marathon of the images-in-the-black-box kind at 4 am in the morning, and the Internet fails on you. time to turn black faced =/

Wasting the day waiting in line for consultations and blood tests is one notch better then going to work. but nontheless both are pretty horrid on the scale.

Abit disheartened.

Why must there be a rank for people we love. Whoes first, whoes second  and so on and so forth.

Why can't there be a group of people who equally, I hold to my heart dear? And based on occasion, situation or just normal daily life routines, these individuals will be prioritized or un-prioritized physically as needed. But nonetheless still in my heart.

Its not a race or a competition. So I cannot understand or fathom the idea of numbering off the people you love. Yes I will admit that there will be a few people that dominate over most of our physical time, attention and love because of relations. But that does not mean one has to rank all people they love.

miffed

I have learnt not to fret, (madly wonder the large open fields of self insanity pleas in my brain) take it like a man (in this case a very feminine man who spends too much) and not lose sleep by over thinking every detail (theres actually not much details now that I think about it or maybe there i).

We should all have a unfretting-simplifying-man persona me thinks.

I don't exactly love birthdays. but being lectured so close to midnight just makes me sad.

I thought that I had purged out a much as humanely possible (for a abnormal human such as myself). But noooooo. My freakishly abnormal brain likes to send subtle subliminal messages in the night. Scratch that, they aren't subtle at all, more like smack in your face rub it in with immense orgasmic force.

Not that there’s anything orgasmic, but I am just using it for its known sheer intensity. If there’s anybody there: Everybody knows that so don't act all coy and there’s nothing to derive from that particular word.

So yes subliminal messages which involve secret travel plans to some baseball debut. Damn you brain. And here I was thinking you’re trying to be a better brain, but now I shall bring slight damnation to you.

Tom Hiddleston =( Time for me to mourn and wail like there no tommorow for the moment. Well deep down inside that is.

https://youtu.be/VIxRDQVrC8I just a current tipple  =}

- you are fat and need to lose weight
- You have no guts for this shit
- you will never understand me

Quote Unquote.

Yes I wanted to bawl pretty much.

We all need to twiddle our toes to sleep. Finding some sort of comfort from breathing and thinking of all the worse ways to go.

I am as optimistic as a blobfish vying for the gold medal for the most tanned beach heavyweight lifter. Go blobfish go, pale blob, no muscles but go!

birthday present to myself soon =} time to make an appointment. rainbows of awesomeness drooling from my pores now.

Absolutely desolate now

Feeling abit nettled, least to say. honestly truely nettled. But at the same time I dont think I have the right to be so. All the screms in the universe and in the multiverses as well.

Sometimes I just need a huge, squish the life out of me hug, accompanied by words of normalcy. literally to let me know I'm a normal sane being. That said, I know I'm far far far away from a normal sane being. This is where I start to wail hilariously. thankyougoodbyelovelove.

I'm a petty human being with mindless petty issues. sometimes.

Banging my head to breathe is getting abit tiring now. Not to mention retarded and slightly nonsensical.

Theres a holiday nexterday =} but that equates to being risky. I feel like rhyming now

you know you're getting abit decrepit when you sprain your arm whilst changing your shirt -_______-

frazzled! Do you hate invisible decisions made but not made known to all parties? I do I do

Humongous sighs. Another day of blissfully watching fishes is required. On a side note, anteprima here I come =}}}}}} and my mom can say that I've bought a plastic shopping bag -____-, but its ouhkay =}}. Figeting from newly sought items is a bad habit I must say.

You can teach pigs to climb a tree. Apparently I'm now inconsolable because of pig-ly transformations. One too many sadventures for the moment.